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Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
What are you not asking for?
I’m learning that life is full of challenges to deal with. Am I learning that? Surely I knew that already? Well, I did at one level and at another there is no harm in having a reminder – bringing it into consciousness. I have also learnt that everything can be overcome. Present things as a problem and that means there is a solution. And if I haven’t found it yet it’s because I haven’t looked at it in the right way, asked the right questions or asked the right people.
So I’m learning about asking. Harder than it sounds for someone like me who likes to spend a lot of time in her head and thinks that most (all?) of the answers will be found there. The curse of the logical mind? Or the curse of the afraid to be perceived as vulnerable? What is it in our society that has set so many of us up as independent isles who need to figure out our own problems and our own solutions? Is it the curse of human nature or is it something we have created? It would take more of an anthropological expert than me to answer that with any certainty. However, relying solely on my gut instinct I suspect it is more of the latter. Perhaps if we look to other societies the same is not true. Or perhaps if we look further back within our own it is not true. Yet today it does seems to be the prevailing wind. Or again, is that just me and my own personal fear of perceived vulnerability? The answer I think is certainly in part, yes. However, I don’t think that I’m alone. In this way, like in so many others, I dont think that I am anything special.
So what we can all learn from this? Well, firstly I think that there are no insurmountable problems. And I really do mean none. More than likely whatever we are facing someone, somewhere has faced before so there is already a ready source of experience and expertise to tap into. And we can all learn to ask.
And before I go, a perspective thing on asking. Often the thing we most fear others will think of us is the thing that we attract and like in them. For example, I love people to ask me stuff – my advice, my opinion, my thoughts on something. And do I perceive the asker as vulnerable? On the contrary, partly I am too busy being flattered and pleased about being asked and partly I am too distracted by how great it feels to be able to help people out. So what stops me from thinking that others feel the same way when I ask them?
Well, that’s my homework for the week sorted – ASK. What’s yours? Think about what you most fear others will think of you (that you’re stupid, that you’re a burden, whatever it is for you) and then think about how you react to others who ask of you - whether it’s your time, your help or your opinion. What do you get from that? And now be generous. Whatever you get from that is available for you to give to others. Go on, try it. You might be surprised by what you gain.
So I’m learning about asking. Harder than it sounds for someone like me who likes to spend a lot of time in her head and thinks that most (all?) of the answers will be found there. The curse of the logical mind? Or the curse of the afraid to be perceived as vulnerable? What is it in our society that has set so many of us up as independent isles who need to figure out our own problems and our own solutions? Is it the curse of human nature or is it something we have created? It would take more of an anthropological expert than me to answer that with any certainty. However, relying solely on my gut instinct I suspect it is more of the latter. Perhaps if we look to other societies the same is not true. Or perhaps if we look further back within our own it is not true. Yet today it does seems to be the prevailing wind. Or again, is that just me and my own personal fear of perceived vulnerability? The answer I think is certainly in part, yes. However, I don’t think that I’m alone. In this way, like in so many others, I dont think that I am anything special.
So what we can all learn from this? Well, firstly I think that there are no insurmountable problems. And I really do mean none. More than likely whatever we are facing someone, somewhere has faced before so there is already a ready source of experience and expertise to tap into. And we can all learn to ask.
And before I go, a perspective thing on asking. Often the thing we most fear others will think of us is the thing that we attract and like in them. For example, I love people to ask me stuff – my advice, my opinion, my thoughts on something. And do I perceive the asker as vulnerable? On the contrary, partly I am too busy being flattered and pleased about being asked and partly I am too distracted by how great it feels to be able to help people out. So what stops me from thinking that others feel the same way when I ask them?
Well, that’s my homework for the week sorted – ASK. What’s yours? Think about what you most fear others will think of you (that you’re stupid, that you’re a burden, whatever it is for you) and then think about how you react to others who ask of you - whether it’s your time, your help or your opinion. What do you get from that? And now be generous. Whatever you get from that is available for you to give to others. Go on, try it. You might be surprised by what you gain.
Thursday, 28 February 2008
What we resist, persists
The title of this blog is a quote from Sonia Johnson. I haven't been able to find the context for this quote so I'd be interested to hear from anyone who knows but for now I am interested in exploring what I, and you, make it mean.
I'm going to leave what you make it mean up to you - though, of course, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.
What do I make it mean? To me, it works at two levels -consciously and unconsciously (or subconsciously, I'm never quite sure of the difference).
At a conscious level we know that there are things that we avoid, procrastinate about or simply aren't comfortable with and so ignore, or resist, in the hope that they will go away. Do they? Probably not is I think the answer. No matter how good most of us are at developing strategies that often convince even ourselves that they have, or they don't matter, aren't important.
At an unconscious level much more is going on. There are things that we are so uncomfortable with, so afraid of that we work really really hard to make sure they don't even make it as far as the conscious. Does this matter? Well, possibly not. Or possibly yes. We are working really really hard to do this. That means we are spending a lot of our energy, albeit not consciously, to keep the world looking a certain way. Why do we do this? Probably some deep rooted survival mechanism that is trying to protect us, to keep us safe. Unfortunately, I believe that however well intentioned this might be it is misguided. Like so much of life, it is the thought of things that is usually so much worse than the reality.
And don't forget the key word - persists. Whatever it is it doesn't go away. And I'm not about to tell you that I can wave my magic wand (as beautiful as it is) and make it go away. It might. Or it might not. What we can do (with or without the wand) is stop resisting it. It takes much less effort and energy to be with it and you might be surprise by what happens. Perhaps it isn't as scary as you imagined. Perhaps it's just as scary and you are ok with that. Just a little less tired from using all that energy resisting it.
So, what does it mean to you? I'd like to invite you to take a quiet moment today, have a look around inside yourself and see where you are working hard and using your energy to keep something away. And then I'd like to invite you to be with it for a while and notice if anything changes.
And I'd love to hear from you.
Lesley x
I'm going to leave what you make it mean up to you - though, of course, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.
What do I make it mean? To me, it works at two levels -consciously and unconsciously (or subconsciously, I'm never quite sure of the difference).
At a conscious level we know that there are things that we avoid, procrastinate about or simply aren't comfortable with and so ignore, or resist, in the hope that they will go away. Do they? Probably not is I think the answer. No matter how good most of us are at developing strategies that often convince even ourselves that they have, or they don't matter, aren't important.
At an unconscious level much more is going on. There are things that we are so uncomfortable with, so afraid of that we work really really hard to make sure they don't even make it as far as the conscious. Does this matter? Well, possibly not. Or possibly yes. We are working really really hard to do this. That means we are spending a lot of our energy, albeit not consciously, to keep the world looking a certain way. Why do we do this? Probably some deep rooted survival mechanism that is trying to protect us, to keep us safe. Unfortunately, I believe that however well intentioned this might be it is misguided. Like so much of life, it is the thought of things that is usually so much worse than the reality.
And don't forget the key word - persists. Whatever it is it doesn't go away. And I'm not about to tell you that I can wave my magic wand (as beautiful as it is) and make it go away. It might. Or it might not. What we can do (with or without the wand) is stop resisting it. It takes much less effort and energy to be with it and you might be surprise by what happens. Perhaps it isn't as scary as you imagined. Perhaps it's just as scary and you are ok with that. Just a little less tired from using all that energy resisting it.
So, what does it mean to you? I'd like to invite you to take a quiet moment today, have a look around inside yourself and see where you are working hard and using your energy to keep something away. And then I'd like to invite you to be with it for a while and notice if anything changes.
And I'd love to hear from you.
Lesley x
Thursday, 21 February 2008
First, do no harm
I have recently learned that it is a myth that the phrase, "first, do no harm" forms part of the Hippocratic Oath. It is, however, a phrase that I love and that I think can serve us all in all our lives.
If I asked you to think about who you have had an impact on today what would be the answer? I suspect that for many it would be a resounding "no-one". For those of you for whom this is the case I would like to suggest otherwise. Indeed for those of you who came up with more than no-one I would also like to suggest otherwise. I believe that the majority of us live our lives not consciously aware of the impact that everything we do has on someone, somewhere.
Let me tell you a brief story by way of example:
When I was a student I had a part-time job on the deli counter of a supermarket. On the whole the managers in the supermarket were perfectly pleasant, affable people doing a fine job. However, I began to notice that they were also, on the whole, completely oblivious to any impact their actions towards the staff had. And it wasn't just the big stuff that had the impact. It is easy to see how a word of acknowledgement or a request asked the right way altered the very being of the staff. Quite simply, treated well and with respect the staff would leave at the end of a shift happy, smiling and ready to go back to their families, or wherever, in a good mood. And vice versa.
Fairly obvious stuff surely. But have you thought about the bigger picture? The knock-on effects. It is all too easy to imagine a scenario where one of these staff members goes home in a bad mood because of something that happens at the workplace, argues with their partner, shouts at the kids, who know what else. And then what? Their partner is now in a bad mood and goes off to meet his mates in the pub and ends up in an argument, a fight, even. And so on, and so on.
Does this sound far-fetched? Perhaps the above is purely the output of my overactive imagination. Or perhaps it's not. What happened the last time you went home in a bad mood? Or came to work in a bad mood? Or vice versa. Do you know how far the way something you have said or done or the way you have said or done it has gone? And is still going.
After my time at the supermarket I was left with one very clear thought. Even if you aren't able to make a positive impact on someone else, make sure you are not making a negative one.
I invite you to go out in your lives and adopt this motto, first, do no harm.
If I asked you to think about who you have had an impact on today what would be the answer? I suspect that for many it would be a resounding "no-one". For those of you for whom this is the case I would like to suggest otherwise. Indeed for those of you who came up with more than no-one I would also like to suggest otherwise. I believe that the majority of us live our lives not consciously aware of the impact that everything we do has on someone, somewhere.
Let me tell you a brief story by way of example:
When I was a student I had a part-time job on the deli counter of a supermarket. On the whole the managers in the supermarket were perfectly pleasant, affable people doing a fine job. However, I began to notice that they were also, on the whole, completely oblivious to any impact their actions towards the staff had. And it wasn't just the big stuff that had the impact. It is easy to see how a word of acknowledgement or a request asked the right way altered the very being of the staff. Quite simply, treated well and with respect the staff would leave at the end of a shift happy, smiling and ready to go back to their families, or wherever, in a good mood. And vice versa.
Fairly obvious stuff surely. But have you thought about the bigger picture? The knock-on effects. It is all too easy to imagine a scenario where one of these staff members goes home in a bad mood because of something that happens at the workplace, argues with their partner, shouts at the kids, who know what else. And then what? Their partner is now in a bad mood and goes off to meet his mates in the pub and ends up in an argument, a fight, even. And so on, and so on.
Does this sound far-fetched? Perhaps the above is purely the output of my overactive imagination. Or perhaps it's not. What happened the last time you went home in a bad mood? Or came to work in a bad mood? Or vice versa. Do you know how far the way something you have said or done or the way you have said or done it has gone? And is still going.
After my time at the supermarket I was left with one very clear thought. Even if you aren't able to make a positive impact on someone else, make sure you are not making a negative one.
I invite you to go out in your lives and adopt this motto, first, do no harm.
Tuesday, 15 January 2008
How fixed is your world?
When was the last time your world changed? When did a meeting go differently from how you expected? When did a colleague surprise you with something they said or did?
Or outside of work? Do you have the same conversations with your partner, your kids, the shopkeeper?
Throughout our lives we build a filter of how we 'know' the world is. This certainty can be very comforting. But are we limiting ourselves? Cutting off possibilities and opportunities before they have a chance to properly present themselves?
What if we didn't know with such certainty how our colleagues were going to be in a meeting? Would that give them the opportunity to behave differently? Often our assumptions about people can restrict their options for being anything other than what's expected.
And it's not just people. Are there certain projects or tasks which you 'know' to be hard or impossible, some which you 'know' to be easy or fun? I'd like to invite you to consider that this is a perspective and not a fact. And the good news? If you consider it this way then you get to choose a new perspective if you don't like the one you have or it isn't helping you.
Try it.
Or outside of work? Do you have the same conversations with your partner, your kids, the shopkeeper?
Throughout our lives we build a filter of how we 'know' the world is. This certainty can be very comforting. But are we limiting ourselves? Cutting off possibilities and opportunities before they have a chance to properly present themselves?
What if we didn't know with such certainty how our colleagues were going to be in a meeting? Would that give them the opportunity to behave differently? Often our assumptions about people can restrict their options for being anything other than what's expected.
And it's not just people. Are there certain projects or tasks which you 'know' to be hard or impossible, some which you 'know' to be easy or fun? I'd like to invite you to consider that this is a perspective and not a fact. And the good news? If you consider it this way then you get to choose a new perspective if you don't like the one you have or it isn't helping you.
Try it.
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
Leadership under Pressure
In my last blog I suggested that the when of leadership was key. I'd like to explore a little more what happens to leadership skills when leaders are under pressure.
So what is happening to us, as leaders, when we are in this situation? When we feel so under pressure and threatened that we revert to our survival brain? The main response is that we stop listening. Sometimes almost literally our ability to hear is lost. And certainly our ability to do any critical analysis, to learn and to act on that learning.
And of course the irony is that in a pressure situation is when you need to most be aware of the learning around you, connected with your colleagues and team mates and pro-actively turning the learning and connections in action to move things forward.
Think about how you react under pressure. What happens to those around you? What do your team members do? Do any of these responses sound familiar?
- Does the charm adopt a nasty edge?
- Does being authoritative turn into bullying?
- Is there avoidance?
- An inauthentic acquiescence?
So what is happening to us, as leaders, when we are in this situation? When we feel so under pressure and threatened that we revert to our survival brain? The main response is that we stop listening. Sometimes almost literally our ability to hear is lost. And certainly our ability to do any critical analysis, to learn and to act on that learning.
And of course the irony is that in a pressure situation is when you need to most be aware of the learning around you, connected with your colleagues and team mates and pro-actively turning the learning and connections in action to move things forward.
The When of Leadership
Have you ever thought about what is the most important element that makes a great leader? And I'm not necessarily talking about national or international leaders but maybe you, or your boss. A lot of time, thought and energy is given over to the what, the how and even the why of leadership. All of which are very important. But I'd like you to consider that the most important part of leadership is the 'when'.
Everyone can be a great leader when things are going well. But it's what happens to those leadership skills or attributes when things aren't going so well that really show if someone has got this leadership thing sussed - or not.
Everyone can be a great leader when things are going well. But it's what happens to those leadership skills or attributes when things aren't going so well that really show if someone has got this leadership thing sussed - or not.
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